Only You Can Make Yourself Happy

It has been a while since I blogged and with much time on my hands today, I figured it is an opportune time.  My mind is constantly spinning from A to Z, so where do I begin with my thoughts. 

1.  Only you can make yourself happy
2.  If you don't like something about yourself change it
3.  Don't judge others or be jealous if they're reaching their goals, you should be proud of them
4.  There is always someone out there that has it worse than you do
5.  Surround yourself with positive people-ever notice how toxic people stay in the same circle?
6.  Don't complain about a repetitive problem if you're not going to do something about it

I believe we all need to set goals in life, whether they are short term or long term.  That accomplishment at the end, even with bumps in the road, makes it all worth while.  I set a goal to have my degree by age 40.  I'll actually have it by the time I reach my 34th birthday July 31st.  This is a huge stepping stone and accomplishment for me, because I started school when I was 22.  In between moving to Tucson, having my baby boy, and working full time, it was a hard task, so it had to be put off.  Now I'm almost there.

My second accomplishment is the reason I started blogging-my goal weight loss and feeling good about myself.  Most of us have struggles with pre and post baby image or even if we never had a baby at all.  My weight, like most, has always been a struggle, because I love food.  I don't "diet" for anyone else, but myself.  I feel best when I am at my ideal body weight and I'm exercising.  I was diagnosed with high cholesterol three years ago and I wasn't even over weight.  When I was pregnant with Mason I had gestational diabetes, so there is always that chance I could become diabetic.  By changing my diet and exercising regularly, I was able to lower my cholesterol to normal and lose weight in the process.  We tend to judge others by their obsessive dieting or exercising, because we don't really know why they do it or understand their reasoning.  Or maybe we're jealous that they have the will power and determination to follow through.  If that is what that person wants to do, because it makes them feel good, support them, don't judge them.  I do it for my health, mentally and physically.  I have fought depression a good part of my life and running helped cure it.  The high from running miles fights against those pesky depression woes.  The foods I eat, affect the way I feel.  I am happy to say I completed my first half-marathon on December 11th and plan on doing more this next year.  I am happy to have a circle of friends that support me and I am happy I only have 5 more pounds until I reach my goal weight for my 4'11 frame, which I haven't seen since I was 24--before I got pregnant with Mason. 

I am looking forward to 2012, being positive and surrounding myself with more positive people and discarding the pessimists.  I look forward to not having the stress of college course work looming over my head.  I look forward to at least 3 more half marathons.  I look forward to being able to dedicate all my evenings and weekends to Mason and Bobby again after July 23rd.  Which we will hopefully be celebrating in Orlando, FL at Walt Disney World.  So you see, the rewards at the end of your goals make it all worth while.

What, Another Diet?

My accountability has been less than stellar in reaching my goal weight through the reflection of my blog.  I just really have a hard time sticking to a diet when my hubby isn't in diet mode as well.  I shouldn't blame it on him, because my love for chips is the real problem.  Yesterday I was telling him I was thinking about trying weight watchers online.  He said, "Another diet?  You're always trying a different diet.  Blood Type diet, gluten free...".  Yes, and they do work when I stick to them, but being in a house hold that is not the same blood type as me (vegetarian) and not liking gluten free products really puts a hamper on consistently sticking to my plans.  So, here I am, day one starting Weight Watchers.  I'm hoping I can do this.  I'm allowed 29 points a day to reach my goal weight of 105, starting at 117.  I thought, wow, 29 points is quite a bit, until I plugged in my food for the first half of the day.  Between my breakfast of rolled oats and dried blueberries, snack of 6 triscuits with a slice of cheese and lunch of gluten free angel hair pasta with lean ground turkey sauce,  I only have 12 points left for the day.  Now I see why I haven't lost any weight.  I'm eating healthy, but I need to cut back on my portions, because I try to eat 5 times a day.  It looks like I'll be subsituting my crackers and cheese for another piece of fruit or some sort of vegetable. 

Wish me luck!  Hopefully with the running and new diet plan, I can finally get to my goal, without totally buying opposite foods of what my family eats.  However, that doesn't mean I'm giving up my tofu!  The chips really do need to go, which also includes goldfish crackers (sad face).

Constant Self-Improvement

I do a lot of thinking about my past, my present, and my future.  I'm sure I'm quite different than most.  While there are those that like to beat around the bush, I do not.  I'm a firm believer, if you don't like something about yourself, then change it.  If you don't like your situation, then change it.  I believe I've been quoting that since I was a tween.  I have no tolerance for self-pity.  So, I have been in a process of constant self-improvement.  Nothing comes easy and sometimes you just have to fight for it.  It is all about being happy with yourself and loving yourself.  Who gives a rats ass what anyone else thinks!

I'll be 33 next month and while I'm not getting any younger, I'm always striving to self-improve how I feel, how I look,and where I'm going in my life.  While there are those that do not mind getting those wrinkles and sags here and there, I do.  No, I'm not gonna go crazy with plastic surgery, but I have no problem getting some botox and doing some squats to lift my sagging ass back into shape.  I'm the one that has to look in the mirror every day at myself and if I don't like what I see, I'm gonna change it.  I'm the one that has to go to work every day and not feel satisfied, so I'm finishing my degree.  I cope with life, how I want to cope with life, just like everyone else.  But, I don't want to hear someone's woes if they're not taking the steps to fix it.

I know I'm stubborn, a little judgemental, but that is who I am.  I didn't get where I am today without those qualities.  You don't have to be judgemental in a negative sense.  It just means making decisions that help you deal with life and other people's stupidity.  Life isn't a free handout and you shouldn't expect one. 
I know I am not liked or included by many people to include family, but I honestly don't care.  You either accept me for who I am, or you don't.  My honesty has pushed many away, but such is life.  My priority is raising a loving son and communicating to him that life will never be perfect.  He will not be raised wearing rose colored glasses and that everyone out there wants to be his friend.  He will be stronger for it, just like I am.  So far, he is one of the toughest, but sweetest little boys I know and has a very caring heart.

So, maybe I should improve my attitude? :)  Naaaaaaaaaa.

I Tried!

So, I got on the scale this morning and gained about 2 lbs of water weight.  Or it could have been those 4 reduced fat chips ahoy I ate, right?  Well, I decided I'd try to do a one day fruit cleanse.  I packed my sliced apple, bowl of watermelon, banana, and cherries.  I made it to lunch time on my fruit and had to have some substance.  Luckily, I had a 1/4 left of my protein bar left and a handful of peanuts.  I know, I'm just not good at going gung ho on cleanses.  I just can't do it!  So, now I'm savoring my bag of cherries and thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner.   I've been doing really good with my running, but the diet part is just hard to conquer.  I don't eat super bad, but I don't eat super good either.  It was so much easier before I had Mason.  My weight is at a standstill, but my legs look good with the help of the tan :)
   
This weekend Mason is going to his grandparents.  You know what that means?  Date night for mommy and daddy Friday night and the rest of the weekend is all mine, if Mason doesn't want to come home early.  My "me" time is going to consist of running in the cool mornings, cleaning the way I want to clean (throw away everything possible), and lounging by the pool with my puppies.  I'm so looking forward to not having to raise my voice, pick up messes, and repeat myself over and over and over.  Have a great Memorial Day weekend and don't forget to remember our troops!

Deep Breaths

I haven't blogged in well over a month.  That would be because it requires "me" time and that is few and far in between lately.  I am still standing still in the weight loss factor, but my endurance is up and I'm up to jogging 3 miles.  Yeah me!  That is my outlet at the end of the day, but today, it wasn't at all.  I barely made my 1.5 miles in an even stride, because Mason was tagging along on his scooter.  In between stopping at his crashes, trying to control Ollie & Spot, I gave up.  I was bound to lose mental control at that point.  Maybe I should just go bury myself in a bag of cookies and call it good.  Unfortunately, I let my pint up anger roar like a lion at Mason.  Not only did my run suck, wasn't finished, the kid comes in and gives me attitude when I tell him he needs to take a bath.  I told him no Netflix for another week on top of the first week he just lost over the weekend for his attitude.  He continued to scream and cry at the top of his lungs.  I'm sure the neighbors were loving it.  I told him to go to his room and cry and he kept screaming and crying at me.  Then, I ROARED!

SATURDAY NIGHT HIGH

No, I haven't blogged in a while.  And yes, I still have my bellyfat!  I am actually doing pretty good with my work outs and my eating habits are moderate depending on the day.  I find if I keep myself busy, I am less likely to snack.  I would like to thank by good boy Spotty for accompanying me on my two mile jogs, which is at least toning my legs up.  If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be making it out the door almost every evening to run.  See those eyes, that is the look I get until I take him out.  At first he was a struggle to run with and dreaded it as much as I did.  He would hang his head and act like it was the worst thing in the world.  Don't take that wrong, he loves to go running, but on his own terms.  He would much rather run out in the desert or go to the dog park and socialize.  But, after a few weeks he has accepted that running circles around the neighborhood isn't such a bad thing and he looks forward to it.  I love to watch him pick up his pace and hold his head up high when we are passing neighbors and neighbor's yards where their dogs are barking and watching as we jog past.  It is as if he is thinking, "look at me."  Our jogging together has actually brought us closer.  I adopted him to replace my faithful lab Kipper that passed a year ago.  Kipper was my shadow and snuggle partner.  Spot ended up being attached to Bobby and refused to snuggle with me for whatever reason.  But now that we are jogging partners he wants to be closer to me and doesn't run off the bed when I lay next to him.  He will never replace my Kipper, but he is another sweet boy that is capturing my heart.

Forge Ahead

Well blog followers, I have been sick for a week now, which has really put a damper on my early morning work outs with Jillian.  When you wake up all night coughing, you really don't have the energy to get up at 4:15 am to jump up and down and do lunges.  It really feels like the few pounds I have lost or I should say the few inches, have crept back up in that short time frame.  And, it really pisses me off.

I know the best way to keep weight off is by losing a little bit at a time and not all at once, which I am okay with.  I've really got about 2.5 more months to be bikini ready.  You're probably thinking, "You where a bikini?"  Yeah, well, I actually look better in a two piece, because a one piece makes me look like a pudgy slug.  I can't even wear a tankini without looking ridiculous.  My rolls look better separated with a bikini, than all in one.  However, I do not go out in public with my bikini, unless it is vacation.  That is the nice thing about having your own pool.  You can lay out, rolls and hairy legs, and no one will never even know.  When you're on vacation, you will never see those people ever again anyway.  Bobby and I have been to the beach in California and Cancun and I am usually quite amazed at how many women sport a bikini and REALLY shouldn't be, just like myself.  I ask myself, "why am I so self conscious about wearing a bikini in public, they aren't?  I fit right in."  Do those women care what they look like and just wear the bikini anyway, or do they have the same thoughts I do?  I figure that no matter what, I will always be self conscious of my figure.  I look back to my days of being super fit and I never thought I was thin enough.  I just couldn't get myself below that 103 lb. mark.  We give ourselves a goal, but once we reach that goal, it isn't good enough.  I look at pictures and can't believe that I actually wanted to be thinner than 103 lbs.  I had no ass and no boobs!  But, I didn't think of not having any curves.  All I thought was getting into the smaller pant size. 

So,  now I'm embracing my curves.  I just need them toned up and cellulite minimized. What happened to the days of Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelley, Debbie Reynolds, and Lana Turner?  I love watching the movies they were in just so I don't have to look at the now emaciated actresses, like Angelina Jolie and Kyra Sedgwick.  I want to see a natural body portrayed on screen, not starved and personal trained to mere bones.  I'm sure some of you might agree.

Self-Control

Some times when you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.  Well, that has been my past seven days.  Give or take a few.  Hell, that has been my last eight years.

My faithful cat sits here next to the computer as I write out my thoughts.  He sits, stares, half closes his eyes, and is just silent.  I find that to be me, more often then not.  If I say what really wants to come out of my mouth, I guarantee it would cause some real issues wherever I might be or make certain people think twice about who they are.  But, who needs words, when I can glare.   Why speak, when what I have to say wouldn't be understood?  Many years ago, I used to write tons of poetry as my outlet.  In a sense, it was my therapy, but it also hindered me from moving on.  Now, my outlet is working out, but it doesn't take away my daily aggravations.

On Saturday I started taking 5 HTP Mood Enhancer.  Today is starting day 5, so I'll keep you posted on how it works.  It is supposed to help me sleep, help my mood, and curb appetite.  I'm not sure I've noticed much difference yet.

Now I'm off to start my second day of Level 2 with Jillian.  I thought, oh level 2, no sweat.  Well, I had to take yesterday morning off, because I was so sore.  Normally I'm good with the 3 minute cool down of stretching.  My 3 minutes of cool down stretching turned into me laying on the yoga mat, spread eagle for 5 minutes, trying to regroup.  But, I am starting to see some results, which is good and I'm eating in moderation, which is also good.  If I could stop reaching for the tortilla chips, it would be even better.  I LOVE TORTILLA CHIPS!  I still haven't eaten the cookies.  They are still on top of the fridge, out of sight, out of mind.

Put Down the Cookie!

It is only Saturday evening and been a trying three days with food.

First, Bobby brought home pizza Thursday night.  I am proud to say, I didn't eat any.  I ate a lean Turkey burger, which was just as delicious.

Yesterday, I made ground turkey enchilada's which tasted wonderful, but half and half on the healthy scale due to the enchilada sauce.  I didn't read the label until afterward.  5 g of fat for a 1/4 c of sauce.  Get out of town!  Last night, I bit the bullet and ate half of a medium oreo cookie blizzard from DQ.  If it wouldn't have been slightly melted by the time Bobby got home with it, I probably would have eaten the whole thing. 

Today, I have done okay but could have done better.  I ate leftover enchilada's for a late lunch and ate a good size chocolate chip cookie from Costco.  Bobby bought the cookies today and they are so good and soft.  It is taking as much strength as I can muster not to eat 2 more.  I keep walking by the counter and they are calling me, "Rachel, just one more.  Just one more."  So, I went for a brief jog, and then walking with my friend.  Now it is time for black beans for dinner.

This battle with crappy food has to be won.  I think boredom is a big part of it.  Keep me busy and I'm good.  Tomorrow, I will paint the laundry room, which I have been talking about for months.  That should take the day and less time for snacking.

In the meantime, I am putting the cookies on top of the fridge, because you all know, I'm not tall enough to see them up there and I'd have to get a ladder to fetch them.





 

RANDOM THOUGHTS

It is Friday morning and I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and random thoughts.

I'm still doing Jillian's 30 day shred and ready to move onto level 2, I believe.  I'm still doing girl push ups, but they're easy now, so to me, that means progress.  I'm eating less and down 2-3 pounds.  I haven't measured inches, because that will be my discouragement.  I'd rather think of my weight loss as fat loss, instead of the water loss, I'm sure it is.  In a few weeks, we'll see what the real results are.

Has anyone ever said anything to you when you were younger that you have never forgotten?  Is it something you believe that has impacted your thought process on who you are?  Is it something that has caused you to obsess?

When I was probably 15, if not younger, my dad told me I would always "fight the battle of the bulge."  A family friend told me if I didn't stop eating chips and dip, my hips were gonna look like his sister's.  Isn't it amazing how we never forget, word for word, what someone tells us?  Those are the two sentences that plague me every time my weight goes up from over eating. 

Yes, I want to look good, not look my age, and feel good about myself.  Is it for me? In a sense it is.  Is it for my dad who is no longer alive, and the family friend that probably has a huge beer gut?  Definitely, because I have to prove them wrong, even though I'll never see them.  Is it psychologically correct to feel this way? NO.  Do I know it? YES.  Can I help it? I'm trying, but it is part of my motivation.

I have always tried to not be a superficial person.  I don't have to have name brand clothes, shoes, and purses, which is not superficial, just a brand preference.  I do, however, like to keep my hair in good shape and spend good money on it.  I don't wear much make-up, if any at all, depending on my mood.  I have grown out of that, "look at me" phase of my life.  I'd rather go unnoticed.  I do, however, want to have that perfect figure.  Not that any of you are gonna see it, but I want to see it when I look in the mirror.  Belly fat gone!

I envy all the ladies out there that embrace their curves and have the confidence to wear leggings, tight tops, and short skirts, but I am not one of them.  And probably, never will be, no matter how thin I get.

New Jeans!

This morning was day 4 of Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred.  It is getting easier, but I'm actually getting tired of looking at her.  I don't mind her sidekicks in the back, but Jillian herself is getting annoying.  During her lunge curls she instructs, "Just a couple more to go, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1."  A couple is 2, not 5.  Absolutely aggravates me, especially when I'd rather do a couple more, not 5.  Then she wears these sweat pants that are rolled over at the top.  Yeah, I don't like that either.  Am I loathing Jillian, or the workout?  I haven't decided that yet.  Probably both.

So, I purchased new pair of jeans last Friday.  It is the first pair I have bought in like 3 years.  I don't know about the rest of you, but jeans are my arch enemy, as well as the dressing room mirrors.  But, I needed some new jeans, so I broke down and bought a pair.  They looked absolutely hideous on and I tried on 4 different pairs, but said screw it, maybe they'll look better in my mirror at home, and they do.  And guess what?  They fit perfect!  Not too tight and not too big.  I'm so excited.  Bet you think it is because I lost weight, right?  Nope, I just bought a bigger size :)  Sometimes you just have to face reality, that you're not that smaller size anymore and not even attempt to try a smaller size.  I finally have a pair of jeans that do not cut off the circulation in my legs, don't flatten my ass into a pancake, and give me a muffin top.  SCORE!

Have a good weekend all!  I'm going to attempt to jog a few miles if it isn't raining. I'll need those few miles jogged if I binge on junk food like I normally do.

"Tough Titty" Tuesday

"Tough titty, said the kitty, when the milk went dry."

It is my own fault that I went to bed at 10:30 pm last night, but I couldn't manage to put the book down I was reading.  I knew I would regret it this morning and I did.  I woke up before the alarm went off, after another crappy night of sleep.  I'm really starting to think that the reason I'm not sleeping good, is because I know I have to get up at 4:30 am.  I was so comfy by 4:30 am,  with my faithful Sweetie (dog), laying next to me with her head on my chest.  I know she didn't want me to get up either.

As I slug into the living room, Mouse the cat is right behind me.  He makes his way to my yoga mat before me, and proceeds to use it as a scratching post.  Nice!  Well, at least he enjoys that thin piece of rubber, because I don't.  I do believe I need to buy a thicker one this weekend, because it does not support my "girl" push-ups at all, and my knees are bruised. 

Jillian was not as enjoyable today as yesterday, but I made it, with no water breaks.  Did I feel invigorated after I was done?  NO.  I could have crawled right back into bed.  My muscles are achey, which means it must be doing something.  Too bad results don't happen over night.

My eating habits are still less than stellar.  I ate some potato chips with my little bit of pasta last night.  I'll blame my husband for having them on the table :)  At least I eat good through out the day at work.  I just need to work on home habits.  Geeeh, it used to be so easy for me to eat healthy.  Now it is a struggle.  My weakness is chips and always has been.  That is where my link comes in: chips-n-dip-hips !

Monday Breakdown...

Alright Belly fat fans, I did it, I got my ass out of bed at 4:30 this morning.  I actually woke up at 4:29.  One minute before the alarm went off.  I know, you're proud, right?  I laid there until 4:33 though, rubbing my eyes and contemplating, " Should I really get up?  I didn't sleep for crap, which is normal, but what the hell, I'd only be getting another hour's worth of sleep, which I'll probably wake up every 10 minutes and look at the clock anyway."

I dressed and walked to the kitchen and took one Xenadrine to give me my caffeine jolt.  I'd prefer coffee, but the acid reflux is horrendous first thing in the morning after you have been jumping up and down.  After 20 minutes of sitting at the computer, scrolling facebook, I made it to the living room and layed out my yoga mat and started right up with Jillian.  Uuuugh.  Jumping jacks, really?  9 minutes 5 seconds into the video I had to hit pause for a water break.  Next break, 5 minutes later.  Jillian's 20 minute work out, turned into a 30 minute work out.  But, hey, I did it and it really wasn't that bad and went by pretty quick.  I have come to the conclusion though, my 5 lb. weights are much too heavy for those side lunges.  When I swapped to using one 5 lb. weight holding it with both hands, it was still too heavy.  WTH!

After all was said and done, I stepped on the scale and took my measurements.  Let me remind you that it may seem like I don't weigh that much, but I'm only 4'11.  So, here it goes, official Day 1 of working out and "trying" to watch what I eat and food intake:


Weight: 119.2 lbs

Waist: 29 in.

Rump: 37.5 in.

Hips:  35.75 in.

I know what you're thinking.  Oh, that is nothing.  I'm sure you look great or you do look great.  But, there is a difference between looking and feeling.  I feel like crap.  Physically & mentally.  10 years ago, I weighed 103 lbs, 25 in. waist, 35 in. rump, and 34 in. hips. Oh and I was around 16% body fat.  Now I'm at probably 24% body fat, if not more.  Yes, I'm gonna be 33 this summer, but that is no excuse for letting myself go the way I have.

My hubby mentions how I never dress myself up or wear make-up anymore.  Well, that is because I feel like crap and have no motivation to make myself look any better.  It is time to start taking care of me again now that my son is old enough to fend for himself.  Then it comes into making the time.  Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of not working, having a personal chef, or a personal trainer.  I'm working full time, going to college full time (which takes up more time than I imagined), and being a Mom.  Oh and a wife when I can fit it in :)

Lets see what the week brings!

The Sunday Night Bulge

So, here I am, finally starting a blog of my weight demise.  Are you one of those people that start a diet every Monday and then gorge all weekend?  I am. Every Sunday night, I tell myself, I can't believe I am having such a hard time controlling my eating and portions on the weekends.  Now, I feel like a total fat ass!!!  Let me set the alarm for Monday morning, so I can once again start the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  I haven't mentioned that I set the alarm early every Monday to start the workout, but never get up.

It was so much easier before I had my son and all I had to cater to was myself.  Is it being over 30, having a child, working full time, staying up late?  I need to stop making excuses and make myself accountable for the habits that I have let consume me.  My bad eating habits.  My son is full of energy, so I can't use him as my excuse for being lazy.  I need to use him as my excuse to start getting busy.

We were going to go for a bike ride today.  He was going to ride his bike and I was going to jog beside him.  Well, we came home from the store, ate lunch, and I fell into a food coma and took a two hour nap.  Needless to say, we didn't exercise today.


So, here I sit at the computer, my stomach rolls talking to each other like every Sunday night reminiscing of the crunches they didn't do or jog they didn't get in.

Tomorrow is Monday. My yoga mat is out, 5 pound weights out, and Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred sitting next to the DVD player.  Lets see if I get up early tomorrow and actually work out.